Help! I’m STILL single… And I’m LOVING IT!

Did I get your attention? If I did, mission accomplished! The title isn’t false, it is true, but it hasn’t always been this way.  I haven’t always been “LOVING” the fact that I’m STILL single.  It has been a long process for me.  Let me explain:

I am fortunate to have grown up with both parents in the same household who have been married for 33 years (To God be ALL the glory) so I’ve always desired to be married.  However, I sought after love like theirs and did so in the wrong places and through the wrong means.  Unfortunately, this behavior caused me to become more and more broken.  Instead of “fixing” myself by remaining single, seeking God, and giving him myself COMPLETELY, I chose to fix myself on “my own” which made me more broken.  I became insecure, depressed, perplexed, angry, frustrated, lonely, and didn’t know how to “get” to the ultimate goal of marriage.

I knew the scripture, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the LORD” (Proverbs 18:22 NAS version) but thought that I could be out of order and help my husband find me!  How many of us single women still think and/or have thought this?  This is completely FALSE.  The word of God is perfect and true and no matter how we go about doing it, we cannot change it. Sis, we have no business seeking after a man…we should be sought after! We have no business running behind anyone trying to make them see our worth…we are fearfully and wonderfully made by God (Psalms 139:14)!  And we sure have no business trying to PERSUADE them to marry us!! Sis, you are worth more that rubies (Proverbs 31:1). Anyway, I realized the only seeking I needed to be doing is seeking the Lord, and discovering why did I feel I “needed” a relationship in the first place or why I needed to make someone or help someone find me and to see my worth.

I discovered that I was insecure, had low self esteem, was broken and I had the wrong perception of marriage and idolized the idea of marriage! My desire to be married came from God, however, My problem was that I worshiped the idea of marriage, without knowing the purpose of marriage!  There is a purpose in marriage!  When God (not man) brings two people together, it is for HIS purpose and not for our own. I felt I needed to have someone validate me and thought that marriage would be where I am validated.  Let me tell you something: You are not validated by man ( I mean human beings..not the gender)…you are validated by God through Jesus Christ! He is the one who gives you identity and purpose.  Jesus Christ gave each of us an opportunity to become a new creature.  We are not our past mistakes, or who society or family/friends say we are.  The acceptance of Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior validates us…PERIOD. We are justified by our faith in Jesus.

Now, I’ve known this…but did I believe it?  Not until a year ago! Shocked? It took me THIRTY years to get to this point.  Before now, I allowed Jesus to be Lord over my life in every OTHER area but the area of my relationship status.  When I surrendered my desire to be married to the one who began relationships from the beginning of time through creation of man (God), that is when I began the process of being content and whole in my single season.

This has been a long journey! I’ve let go of the STRONG DESIRE (which was me idolizing marriage) and accepted that if God chooses to bless me with marriage, GREAT!  But if he does not, I am learning to be content in this season that I am in (Philippians 4:11).  It is in this season that I found my purpose! It is in this Season that I am able do the things of God that would probably be difficult to accomplish if I were married right now! I also have been able to heal from past relationships, hurt, and pain that God has graced me to not bring into a marriage.  It is in this season that I have become whole from the inside. Could it be that you are single so that you can heal and become whole?

I knew I was on my way to wholeness when I was able to celebrate others’ engagements, marriages, or other announcements with sincerity in my heart and without being jealous, envious, or angry with God.  I also knew I was on my way when I didn’t get frustrated with people (who probably didn’t mean any harm) who ask me why I am not married. We set ourselves up when we put ourselves on a timetable forgetting the Author of Time! I’ll be 31 in a few days and I AM OK RIGHT WHERE I AM!   I truly believe that when you are at a place where you are not moved by those things, you are on your way to wholeness and contentment in your season.  This isn’t for just a relationship, but any area of your life such as career, children, etc. I had to learn that I am the GOOD THING that Proverbs 18:22 stated.  There is nothing wrong with me, and sis, there is nothing wrong with you!

I am fortunate for my friends and family who are currently married, whether it is for as many years as my parents to my good friends who have been married for just a few months!  Each has shown and shared a part of their married life with me for me to understand the essence of marriage. God showed me that I am a pupil in the midst of the teachers around me.  As I look around, the dynamics and years of experience has helped me realize that marriage is a ministry, marriage has purpose, it is not always peaches and cream, it is sacrifice, dying to your flesh and desires, compromise, servanthood, and growth.  I once resented being surrounded by so many married people, but this is such a blessing as it has helped me with my process of being content as well.  I am so very happy for everyone around me that is married, young and old!  But I know, when it is God’s appointed time, I will be married and I am just fine with that! It will be because He orchestrated it not myself.

I am becoming more like Christ and virtuous as the Proverbs 31 woman.  I am hidden right now and will stay hidden so that my husband can FIND ME.  I am becoming who I want to attract. So, yes, I can shout loud and proud that I am STILL single and I am loving it because I am loving who I am becoming!

Love, Ashley Nicole